9th February 2024.
It’s coming up to ten months since I have written, and published, anything of length. And, as I sit here on a dismal February afternoon, staring at the masses of white space and the (now) 153 characters before me, I feel somewhat energised. This is novel. And I endeavour to profit from it. Is this symbolic of the opportunities that lie ahead? Is this an allegory of an impending feast? This is a feeling onto which I want to cling. I could easily summon the trite “blank page,” or reference the proverbial “turning over of the new leaf,” but I shall attempt to refrain. Please, reader, note the intentional “attempt” at this juncture. When I awoke on Monday morning, a mere four days ago (but who’s counting?!), I was exhibiting all the signs of a depressive episode. I’ve written about my experiences over the years, so I shall spare you the details, but they were omnipresent, debilitating, and so very heavy. If I could summon any energy to turn my head, I would be met by that familiar harbinger. Eyes heavy, I wept and I slept. But I was not done. I am not done – not yet am I ready to surrender.
In recent months, I have been struck by the wealth of love, compassion and care that has been afforded to me; it has been truly overwhelming. I’ve long had a truly incredible group of people around me. And I hope that I have been, and will continue to be, a trusted friend, and a familiar face, to many of them. Over the last twelve months-or-so, I have cemented and recognised true comrades. And what I have done to amass such an assembly of loyal, funny, talented, exceptional individuals I do not know. But, whatever it is, I am, honoured and so very grateful. “We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t want to be, Nathan,” this, I am both learning, and battling, to accept. Many people, strangers to each other, have commented, positively, that “something has shifted in [me]” and that “[I] look different, [I] look good.” Some of these people have known me for thirty years, some fewer than twelve months, but every comment has been recognised and cherished. If you are reading this, I thank you.
For the first time in as many years as I can remember, I have not dreaded the onset of a new year; for the first time in as many years as I can remember, I allowed myself to pause and “just be” over the festive period. I know that I inherited this dread, but from a young age I adopted it and I made it my own. I was powerless to that, so I don’t feel at fault, but I did take ownership of a notion, an intangible fallacy… a social construct. Waking up on the first of January and not having to self-counsel, not having to laboriously rid myself of the internal “Oh, god, not this again, not another year to get through,” was refreshing. It was new. I’m not saying that I’m not glad that we’re now through that first month of the year, but my focus is on the brightness and opportunity that exists. Why should it not exist for me? For, I am encouraged by many that it does.
You’ll likely know that I have never fulfilled my full potential and, too, that I have not been in gainful employment for a good while now. Naturally, opportunities are limited at the moment, and I am having to cut my coat according to my cloth, but I needed this time. I needed this reset. I’ve been working with various people over the last year-or-so with the aim of “building Nathan up.” Today, I saw my Work Coach. Upon telling her that I’ve applied for a particular role, she couldn’t help but show her enthusiasm, joy, and a little emotion. “You can do it. Oh, Nathan, I am so excited for you.” And I knew that she meant it. I left buoyed. I felt held, supported. I felt believed in. Reflecting on recent months, I realise that people are, once again, asking me for advice and counsel. Being an ear, a shoulder, is something I pride myself in, and it is wonderful to recognise that people feel able to “use” me in such a way once more. Consciously or subconsciously, they know I am strong enough to take it; I can not think of a better endorsement.
As I come to a close, sitting here tapping away in a cosy nook of one of my favourite public houses, the rain is teeming down and the working day, the working week, for many is ending. The music is elevated, the mood lifts, and I sense that Friday evening revelries are imminent. I look on. And I smile. Friendly faces – friends – nod at me as they pass by; they take time to acknowledge me. “Hello Nath, y’alright? How have you been?”
I thank you.
Twitter: @NathanEChard
Instagram: @winchesternathan @nathanchardphotography
nathanchard 